Considering my ghostwriting experience consists of writing my little brother’s third grade essay, I have no right to comment on Cookbookgate. However, ghostwriting does sound like every minimum wage job I’ve ever worked — humiliating in the moment but hilarious a few months later. That’s why I have a dream list of celebrity memoirs I’d love to write! Isn’t it weird that you don’t have to be a celebrity to write a celebrity memoir called My Journey…So Far: The Britney Spears Story?.
5.) R. Kelly. Writing in the voice of the man who penned the lyrics “My mind’s telling me no, but my body, my body’s telling me yes” would be a dream come true…until I confronted him about raping that girl. At that point he would throw me out of a window and I would lose my 5% of his advance.
4.) Stevie Nicks. She’s far from crazy, but she’s Stevie Nicks. I would love to sit in her house taking notes about Fleetwood Mac. She probably has a sauna in her house. Imagine being in a sauna with a notebook and Stevie Nicks.
3.) Liza Minnelli. Do I really need to explain this one?
2.) Axl Rose. See R. Kelly.
1.) Lindsay Lohan. She would lie. She would compare herself to Marilyn Monroe. She would bitch about that dude from That Seventies Show, but she’s Lindsay Lohan. She’s the holy fucking grail of celebrity memoirs! She is to celebrity memoirs what Proust is to gay fiction. How has she not hired a ghostwriter yet? Call me, Lilo!